I can see a few, but as I'm not a copy editor I got stopped by the very first but of look-at-me bombast: "his worldly peregrinations culminating..." (Come to think of it, I guess that fragment contains both copy-and-line-editable sins.)
"When his worldly peregrinations finally brought him to Los Angeles, he forced us, longtime residents, to see our own city anew, transforming the everyday pools, palms, sprinklers, facades, and sky into that legendary light." I hope my wordly intervention helps we literary connoisseurs!
When his world travels finally ended in Los Angeles, he taught us longtime Angelinos to see anew our city of pools, palms, sprinklers, and building facades, and its sky and its lights.
Then his worldly peregrinations culminated in his arrival in Los Angeles, where he helped us longtime residents start seeing again, as if for the first time, the pools, the palms, the sprinklers, the building facades, the sky — and that light!
What sticks out to me most is that this seems to be an incomplete sentence. His worldly whatevers, when he helped US to start seeing again all that stuff . . . did what?
The first thing that sticks out to me is "wordly" instead of "worldly"
👍🏻
But what a concept! Pretty sure I've engaged in many wordly peregrinations.
I wondered: worldly or wordy?
“[W]ordly peregrinations” — too talkative falcons?
I can see a few, but as I'm not a copy editor I got stopped by the very first but of look-at-me bombast: "his worldly peregrinations culminating..." (Come to think of it, I guess that fragment contains both copy-and-line-editable sins.)
Plus the ultimate sin of self-congratulation …
As someone once said: In matters of taste, there is none.
"helped we" should be "helped us" -- How about: "helped us, long term residents, to start"
Should the first-person plural pronoun be “us longtime residents” not “we longtime residents”?
Yup.
That "we" is too painful. Just stops me dead.
Shouldn't it be: "he quickly helped US longtime residents"? I can't imagine "he helped we" is correct?
That’s ’cause it ain’t.
🙏🏻
A typo no doubt—he was referring to us leprechauns.
“Us” instead of “we.” And a flagrant series comma violation!
Times is gonna Times.
"When his worldly peregrinations finally brought him to Los Angeles, he forced us, longtime residents, to see our own city anew, transforming the everyday pools, palms, sprinklers, facades, and sky into that legendary light." I hope my wordly intervention helps we literary connoisseurs!
Now let us enjoy a pleasant flute of Mansplain!
When his world travels finally ended in Los Angeles, he taught us longtime Angelinos to see anew our city of pools, palms, sprinklers, and building facades, and its sky and its lights.
We happy few....
For extra credit, I'm knocking "quickly" off the page.
And not a moment too soon!
What's the point of creating those groundbreaking swimming pool paintings if you're not moving fast?
Oh, I don’t know … if it’s swimming pools, I prefer a crawl.
It's such a morass, but I'd (if I had to) culminate my peregrinations where, not when.
Of course they aren't wordly peregrinations, so what do I know.
I would replace that “when” with “where”
Then his worldly peregrinations culminated in his arrival in Los Angeles, where he helped us longtime residents start seeing again, as if for the first time, the pools, the palms, the sprinklers, the building facades, the sky — and that light!
I rewrote the passage almost exactly as you did! I had a feeling that this writer would refuse to yield the word "peregrinations."
When I become tyrant of the planet, my first act will be bringing back the copy editors.
Hockney had a great run and was working to close to the end. I didn't understand his work until I saw that iPad show in SF years ago.
I wonder if this was written by a real live human-type person? Would AI even be capable of such convolutions??
I would argue that only a a real live human-type person would be capable of such convolutions.
A bot would have tried less hard and not tripped over its own fingers so badly.
That's pretty much the conclusion I drew as well.
Heartening.
What sticks out to me most is that this seems to be an incomplete sentence. His worldly whatevers, when he helped US to start seeing again all that stuff . . . did what?
Exactly.